Half an hour ago, I was trying to figure out if my sailing license works in Singapore. Then I read a joke about LHQW, the Chinese way of pinyin acronym representing a Chinese medicine. As an outsider, I had the calmness to read the hashtags and comments.

Despair, sorrow, and indignation. These were what I read between the lines.

What can I do? Liking it was the only thing I could do. I “liked” something I “disliked”. That was ironic.

Again, I wanted to post it on WeChat. Again, I suppressed that impulse. Few on WeChat care about this. How to plan some theatrical activities to impress the admission officer in New Haven is higher priority. Or, what are some traditions of a college, which one can use in a why school essay?

To be fair, I am part of them. Threads after threads, I am also part of the generation perdue seeking to find traces about “good” colleges’ admission. I also wonder if I am just so picky that I label Chicago or Pennsylvania “unfit for me” and insist on crimson. To be honest, I may end up as a Wall Street axxhole even if I am lucky enough for crimson. In that end, there is no difference. I can have all the rhetorics of Cambridge being a nice city, courses at graduate school attracting me, or wishing to see the world’s diversity. But the hard statistics is: money beckons.

Recently, I learnt someone ending up in reed college. Many more, elsewhere, Morningside Heights or Palo Alto. On the bubble of higher education, I agree with Peter Thiel.

Read a novel in Chinese last afternoon: the Taiwanese 巨流河. As usual, it rained this afternoon. Surprisingly, the unfamiliar traditional Chinese characters and the bombardment at the glass soothed me. Was it because of echoing? I wonder. When one feels being torn, two options are there: fight or flight. You can have logics that escaping equals to fighting or that resisting is for the sake of inner peace. In the reality, it is a dichotomy and you can have one only, at least for many animals and me.

In the end, is this all something normal, a normalcy I should normalise? Even crimson cannot give me this answer. Only experiences and feelings do.

Lastly and sadly, I have no ability to love my community in my native language.

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